Running on Empty

Tiredness is ruling my life lately, and it is hard to determine what is contributing. Is it my Lupus? Fibro? EBV? Anemia? Or a combo of any of the above? 

Either way, it sucks. It mean that I have less energy to do the things I normally can. It means folding a load of laundry leaves me wiped out as does taking a shower or bath. Forget errands where I have to leave the house, I'll be done in for the day. 

Ask HistoryBoy, he had an appointment for a checkup that I took him to and as soon as we got home I went to bed. I'm used to not being able to do multiple things outside the house but not being able to complete small chores without exhausting myself is a new one for me. 

I made dinner the other day, and it completely did me in. I had to get HistoryBoy to finish it for me because i needed to sit down. After sitting for a few min, I realized that I needed to lay down. I ended up sleeping 2 hours. HistoryBoy and Angus ate without me. I told them to but it means I didn't get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. There weren't any leftovers either. Lol

Do you have days like this? My days have been running into weeks like these. The exhaustion can be overwhelming but I try to not let it get to me. I won't let my lupus (and other ailments) defeat me. I am a fighter and will continue fighting.  

Pushing Myself

I've mentioned before how I try not to push myself too much because there are real life consequences to my health when I do but...

Yesterday, I did some straightening, and a little exercise and wiped myself out. I crashed and fell asleep but I was woken up several times, once by phone, once by our dogs to be let outside so my nap wasn't as long or as restful as I needed it to be, especially given as we had plans for the evening. 

When I got up from my nap, my headache was only marginally better, but it was enough better that I thought I would be okay... That is probably a lie... I could feel I was pushing myself BUT HistoryBoy was performing and I wasn't going to miss it. (I haven't mentioned his performing on the blog before but I'll write a post about it later to update you). HistoryBoy can tell I am not 100% and told me I could stay home and Angus would take care of everything, but the only performances I've missed is when I've been on the hospital and I don't want to miss this one.  

Well, maybe I should have, but it's too late now to go back and change. So what happened? On my way to the event, I got car sick. NOTE: It's was only a 10 minute car ride, but I was so nauseous when I got there, I had to get out of the car and breathe fresh air hoping I wouldn't actually throw up. I got a water to drink, and sat down and started to feel a little better but as time went on, that headache tightened like a screw on my head, and my neck muscles kept getting tighter and tighter, until I knew it wasn't a regular headache anymore but a migraine. I lasted through HistoryBoy's performance but I had to leave after, which I felt bad about but couldn't help. I needed to lay down and I was really hoping not to get sick. 

We went home and I went right to bed. HistoryBoy got me my migraine meds, a glass of water and an ice pack. I just closed my eyes, hoping the pain and nausea would subside. It got a little better, enough that I felt could enough to get up and use bathroom and then decided to take a bath and get ready for bed. Well bath felt amazing at first. My still muscles started to relax and I was simply resting with my eyes closed when I felt my stomach lurch. I'm looking around the bathroom, and I knew I didn't have energy or time to jump out so I grabbed waste basket and called for Angus... 

After my stomach calmed, Angus helped me into pajamas and back into bed and as I lay here now, just 10 or so hours later, my body still feels wiped out. My head, while not quite a headache, has that after migraine feeling which means I can't push myself an inch today or I will be very ill, and my ears are ringing, which happens to me with/after a migraine. 

Was it worth it? Would I do it again? Yes, I got to see HistoryBoy perform, which makes me happy and so proud, but I'm done in now probably for several days while my body catches up. #LupusSucks 

What Is Normal?

Someone asked me recently what is my normal? ... and in trying to figure it out, I realized that over 2/3 of my life at this point has been living with Lupus. 

That isn't a complaint; it is just a statement of fact. I was 15 when I was diagnosed with Lupus. I'm 46 now. I don't really remember what it was like to not have Lupus, and that's not saying I don't remember my childhood. I do, but I don't remember the feeling of being healthy. I did well managing my lupus for a lot of years, I had more ups than downs until about 20 years ago. And while I wouldn't trade my son for anything, I've never been as healthy since as I was before I had him. I sort of think of it as the sands of an hourglass. You don't notice the loss of a few grains of sand over a short period of time, but the cumulative effect when I look back is very noticeable. 

I'm not sure what my normal is anymore. If I figure it out, I'll let you know.

PS: This is my first post on about 5 years. I'm sorry for disappearing but life... and my health has been very up and down so the blog slipped into the background.  I will be posting more often going forward,  hopefully.