Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas

Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas is a beautiful song he wrote to his wife who suffers from an autoimmune disease like Lupus.  (I had heard it was Lupus but who knows) If you've never heard this song, you need to listen to the words, and watch the video. Lately it speaks so strongly to how I feel.  Waking up with my body screaming, knowing I can't give in but wanting to so badly.

"Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down"

I can't say how many times I have felt this way.  I have been trying to handle this and not let it get to me or even let on how bad I feel, maybe that is why this song keeps making me cry almost every time I hear it lately.  

You may not believe me but my body thinks it is about 60 years old, while I am in reality 37.  I just want to feel better.  No, I don't want another medication that will maybe help.  I am on so many medications, that I feel like a pharmacy. Some of my friends call me and ask me about this or that medication because they know that I know a lot about various meds between myself and HistoryBoy.  

There is nothing I can really do to prevent my body from wreaking havoc on itself.  Most of the time, I just deal with it, get used to it and move on... but I lately wish it didn't always hurt so bad.  



There is a great article that talks more about it.

Long Road to the National Anthem

HistoryBoy loves music. It helps calms him, soothe him, keep him on task when he needs it. He loves to sing, to perform for me and his Mimi, but we are his comfort zone. Ask him and sometimes he will say he wants to be the next Justin Bieber. I am not going to discourage from something he truly loves (but he also loves legos and history and he IS 10 so...), but I have tried to make him see he has to deal with people in a job like that. As we all know, people skills are not our Aspie best traits.

This school year, HistoryBoy participated in his school's 4th grade choir. (I will have another blog about the stresses and such of this but that is for another day) He learned to sing beautifully, Somewhere Over the Rainbow in his 10 yr old soprano voice. Also, several others I recognized from when I was in music class way back when, and of course The National Anthem. He would come home singing every day he had music class or choir.

Now the amazing part is that his 4th grade choir was invited to sing at the National Anthem at the local minor league baseball game. He did not where headphones to cover his ears from the noise and he stayed to watch the fireworks. This could/would NEVER have happened 5 years ago, maybe even 2 - 3 years ago. He has come so far in that amount of time. He has worked so hard to be able to overcome his issues with loud places and lots of people. He still isn't always comfortable in crowds or with noise that may always be a problem.

What it comes down to is he CHOSE to perform at the game because he loves the National Anthem so much and didn't allow himself to be overwhelmed by the noise of the crowd or the applause. I left at the beginning of the 3rd inning. HistoryBoy stayed with Angus because I was too tired to stay for me but he wanted to stay. He WANTED to see the fireworks display after the game, and while I wasn't there to see if he covered his ears from the noise the fact that he wanted to be there at all says so much.

I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me at teenahope@gmail.com

Music Expresses My Son's Feelings

My husband sometimes makes disdainful comments about HistoryBoy's choice in music. Well he is 10, and for most of his life he has been surrounded by PBS and me. So let's see what are his choices in music. HistoryBoy has outgrown the kiddie music, although he will dance right along with it when he is around his younger cousins. I guess I listen to "chick" music as my hubby likes to call it. I like Rock N Roll (Aerosmith is my fave all time band but I don't think I am ready for him to go around singing them yet) but for the most part I listen Pop and Country pop crossover stuff. I listen to those Now that's what I call Music CDs alot. So HistoryBoy's choice of music tends to run along toward my taste. Although he has developed his own love of Bon Jovi and Daughtry, which I think is cool, and I attribute to Rock Band. (Hey I'm from Jersey, I love Bon Jovi!)

Sometimes, he gets stuck on a song and I don't pay much attention to it, but this past week was a rough one. Then we had a really rough day this week and he has been singing this song, and I noticed that he put in on repeat in the CD player in my car so I am hearing it now for the 3rd time in a row and I ask him about it. He says "Mom, I like the lyrics. Listen to them, please." And he takes my hand and rubs it against his cheek and kisses it.

I really listen to this song. And I realize that while my son can't verbalize a lot of the time what is going on inside him, this song, while not exactly how he feels, got it. I put the lyrics and the video link to the youtube video, it's the icarly girl, Miranda Cosgrove singing the song. The chorus especially got me because it is something he says to me when he can't say what he means

Can we bring yesterday back around?

Cause I know how I feel about you now

I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down

But I know how I feel about you now

He always tells me "I am so dumb." when he is upset and I ask him what is wrong he can't tell me. And I tell him, he's not and no one I know has ever thought that about him. Everyone I know always tells me how smart he is. After listening to these lyrics and then downloading the lyrics and reading them too, I was just so moved by what they said. Maybe I am reading more into it than there is to it. Maybe he just liked the song. But when I told him I would listen to it. He was so happy. He hugged my arm (I was driving him to school) He asked me to promise I wouldn't change the song so it would be on when I got him from school. I promised. He smiled at and gave me a HUGE smile and a hug and said "Thanks. I love you mommy!" What more is there to say....

"About You Now"

by Miranda Cosgrove

Maybe I'm wrong, you decide

Should've been strong, yeah I lied

Nobody gets me like...you

Couldn't keep hold of you then

How could I know what you meant?

There was nothing to compare to

There's a mountain between us

But there's one thing I'm sure of

That I know how I feel about you

[CHORUS:]

Can we bring yesterday back around?

Cause I know how I feel about you now

I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down

But I know how I feel about you now

All that it takes, one more chance

Don't let our next kiss be our last

I'm out of my mind, just to show you

I know everything changes

I don't care where it takes us

Cause I know how I feel about you

[CHORUS:]

Can we bring yesterday back around?

Cause I know how I feel about you now

I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down

But I know how I feel about you now

[BRIDGE:]

Not a day, pass me by

Not a day, pass me by

When I don't think about you

And there's no moving on

Cause I know you're the one

And I can't be without you

[CHORUS: (x2)]

Can we bring yesterday back around?

Cause I know how I feel about you now

I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down

But I know how I feel about you now

But I know how I feel about you now

Yeah I know how I feel about you now

Calming with Music

I should preface this that I do not know if music calms his Asperger's or ADHD or both, but if this info helps you, I am happy to share.

I figured out pretty early that HistoryBoy calms easier with music, stays calmer when music is in the background. I am a music person. I love listening to music. I always listened to music when I was pregnant. I played lullibies for him when he was an infant. Then he got into Barney and the Wiggles, Blues Clues. We had the soundtracks and listened to them in CD players.

I found that if I needed to go out I would plop him in his stroller with the head phones on and whatever CD he picked. Also, those little headphone that come with a CD player annoyed him. He could hear too much outside noise. HistoryBoy hated them. We had to go buy the large ones that covered his whole ears, the big ones. Luckily I found a pair on sale on clearence at Target otherwise they would have cost like $40. I think the CD player was $10! I also did have to bring a selection of CDs with me because if he changed his mind mid outing it was major meltdown city.

Do not get me wrong, this did not avoid all meltdowns, we had to nudge, beg and cajole to make HistoryBoy want to go out into some noisy place with lots of people that I wanted to venture to but it made it easier. We could go to the mall for a short outing with him nestled in the stroller with his music on his ears. I kept him in that stroller as long as he could fit in it. I think it also helped his comfort level in a large overwhelming place like the mall.

Unfortunately now he is WAY too big for something like that to work. Luckily, he does have an mp3 player now. If we venture to the mall, he almost always uses it. For school too, it is in his IEP now that if he has completed the learning/teaching part of the assignment he is allowed to wear headphone mp3 player and listen to music to complete his classwork.

It is amazing what music can help our children accomplish.

I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me at teenahope@gmail.com