Blog Reboot! ASPERGER'S SYNDROME IS NOT A DISEASE!

Over the next few weeks you will see new posts interspersed with some of my old writings to rejuvenate my blog for you (and for me!) To remind me WHY I started this all in the first place

Starting with today, (Originally published 4/23/11)

ASPERGER'S SYNDROME IS NOT A DISEASE!

   I heard someone today refer to Asperger's as a disease. Asperger's Syndrome is very high functioning autism. People who have Asperger's are generally socially inept and immature for their age. They also tend to obsess over one or two things that interest them and not much else. Social interaction is very difficult for kids with Asperger's. 

   They tend to bore other kids because of their single minded obsessions, and thus get picked on a lot. They also get easily bored or frustrated with other kids because they cannot understand why the other kids could care less about the difference between the Titanic and its sister ship the Olympic etc. Also, people with Asperger's have a hard time understanding body language and facial expressions. This makes it difficult for them to realize that other people want to end a conversational topic, or have a turn to talk, or whatever.

   It's hard to watch your child struggle. I try to get my son to talk about how he feels to make it easier and he tries and then suddenly he changes topic to an airplane disaster and I know he is done for now. He works on self-control and how to control his outbursts and meltdowns but sometimes he can't. We've worked on visual clues that is a work in progress..., he is still MUCH better with verbal clues, like Hey let's talk about something else. But when talking about feelings when he is done, there is no getting more out of him when he doesn't want to talk about it. When I push, I can feel him edging closer to a meltdown, so I let him go back to his comfort zone for a bit and try again later.

My son is awesome. Being diagnosed with Asperger's doesn't change that. He is still the same smart, sweet, silly boy, he just adapts differently, and sometimes needs helps adapting to the world around him. As he has gotten older he needs less help because we are teaching him coping mechanisms.

   So, when you are out in a store today and you see a mom with a child that is melting down, don't judge or question her parenting skills (I used to be that mom and HistoryBoy was that kid overwhelmed but the hugeness of the store and number of people and huge amount of noises) Be grateful that is not your child. Ask god to give her the patience and strength to handle what god has given her and help her handle her child's fears.

I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me at teenahope@gmail.com

Hiding From Bullies

I am so tired of bullying.  I am tired of my son being harassed on the bus and at school.  It is to the point where he does not want to ride the bus and I have to drive him to school in the mornings.  It is too early in the year for him to be this upset...



I'll back up, for those of you that don't know.  HistoryBoy has a bully problem.  Unfortunately he almost always has a bully problem.  He is a smart, unusual and mostly quiet inside himself kid, which makes him a perfect target. The big problem is he is super smart, he knows most of the answers in science and social studies and has HUGE background knowledge in addition to what he is learning.  It means teachers are impressed, other students, mo so much.

The issue this year stems from several students calling him a Retard.  He didn't even know what it was.  He came home from school asking me what it meant.  I told him if the bully calls him it again, simply tell him, "I am smarter than you so what does that make you?" That seemed to make him happier, I got him on the bus the day I gave him that ammo.  He came home from school and told me the same child had called him a douche when he gave his reply. I explained what that was and why he was *NOT* that. I told him he needed to say "Do you even know what that it?"  Because I can almost guarantee the bully does not, he is simply repeating something he heard.

HistoryBoy has been dealing with bullies since about 3rd grade.  Before that the kids in his class all knew him and were his friends, and understanding of his quirks.  In 4th grade, he hated going to school on the bus.  We complained and a child got removed from the bus. But it took more than just me and Matt reporting him.  The child finally harassed someone else and now that it was a pattern..  Move forward 2 years.  Same child is now on the middle school bus with him, harassing him, calling names, hitting.  Matt reported him to bus driver, driver told him to be quiet and sit down.  SO when he finally pushed the kid back, guess who go into trouble.  We had witnesses on the bus, along with HistoryBoy's testimony about what happened but they found "no evidence" and child remained on bus, so I had to drive my son to school for the rest of the school year or until we moved toward end of the year and he rode another bus.

This year, I know I started talking about the bullying.  A TEACHER heard him being harassed and reported it. They said they found no evidence. Part of the problem is HistoryBoy himself.  He tells me he ignores them and tries to not let them bother him because he knows he is not what they call him.  So as far as the school is concerned, he is mentally fine.  But he is not ok, just because he is not letting the bully make him cry in school or hiding in the bathroom does not mean he is ok! They are not the one dealing with my son at home and seeing the effects in the morning if I try to get him to ride the bus or after school when he gets off the bus.
I am at my wit's end and I need help.

I don't want my son to be a statistic.

Bullying 1001... (Not 101 because we've been there done that)

My son always amazes me. He is so smart and has so much to offer. Yet he is unfortunately getting used to being picked on.

I received a phone call from the principal of his school letting me know that they were investigating an instance of him being bullied. It happens every year, I should be used to it myself but it angers me so much. But that is besides my point, he came home and I asked him about it. Someone on the bus had called him an F*n retard. He ignored the kid. He told me the kid is always making remarks, but another child overheard it this time and reported it.

Will something come of it? Probably not. While these new bullying laws are supposed to help kids, it makes districts very wary of classifying a child as a bully because of all that entails. I think it was better when the child was reported, they got in trouble. Principals office then detention, then suspension after multiple offenses. I feel like I am helpless in this situation. If it is decided the child is a bully, he will have to have counseling. I am not saying it wont help at all but where does it truly give consequences for actions?

My son was picked on in third grade by a child (a grade ahead of him but who also lived in our community). It was before these bullying laws went into effect. The boy would not leave my son alone. At first he ignored him, then he told him to stop, then he pushed him away. Finally he punched the kid in the nose. I talked to him about it because while I truly believe he gave the other child enough notice, he threw the first punch. I really do not have a problem with him defending himself but I don't want him to be seen as the aggressor.

As it turned out, thankfully the principal agreed with me. He said it as obvious that my son wasn't trying to truly harm the other child, he just wanted to be left alone, so he was not going to be suspended (which was the rule at the time for hitting/fighting) He gave him lunchtime detention (no recess) in his office for 3 days. I do have to say that the child no longer picked on my son on the bus or in school that year. He got detentions but he still lived in our community and was a problem to deal with in that way as well. But that is a story for another day...

PS: Does it make me a bad mom that I was proud that took that another child down a notch?

Bullying 102

In a previous blog, Bullying 101, I talked about how I realized that bullying isn't something that might happen, it already has and I am prepared for it. At least I hope I am. But I got an introduction to a little more of it this summer.

Sitting by the pool, HistoryBoy comes up to me and asks to make this girl leave him alone. I do not see the girl but if she comes back I tell him let me know and I will help referee. Later on in the day, I am resting and my mom and HistoryBoy that a girl was taking their toys and harassing him so she brought him up to chill out. I could see he was on the verge of a meltdown, so it was probably a good plan.

We headed down the next day to the pool, and the girl was nowhere to be seen. However, later on in the day she shows up and sits down right next to where my son and his friends are playing. I keep an eye on them because I do not want any trouble but she seems intent on reading her book and not bothering the boys. A Little while later, HB is back asking me to make her stop. Now I have been watching, she hasn't been moving closer to them or taking their toys today, so I do not know what the problem is.

To solve the mystery, I move him and his stuff to the other side of the pool. I notice now that she is periodically getting up and walking by the boys. I can't hear what she is saying to them, if she is saying anything, but she is obviously agitating Matthew just because she keeps coming by. I call him over to me. Apparently she has a book, that I am not familiar with that has alot of cats in it and some of them seem like gross, grotesque pictures to HB. He doesn't like it and has told he doesn't want to see them but she keeps walking by. I had seen the last page she had open, I couldn't tell exactly what it was, but it wasn't a cute cuddly cat. As we walk back into the pool, he makes a comment to her about stopping, those pictures are just evil. She looks at me, and flips her book open to a picture of a kitten and says "Is this evil?" HB is unwinding quickly, "That's not what she was showing us." I believe you. Just stay away from her now.

Now I know the score. She was probably only a little older than HistoryBoy. Maybe 13 at the oldest I think, but she wanted to mess with him. I don't know why. Maybe it was because he was the only one who freaked out when she tried to freak the kids out and she liked it. Bullying like this is never easy to spot. I could have been completely unaware of it if I wasn't as in tune with my son and his reactions. I know he wasn't lying to me, not that he can't exaggerate but I had seen her as well, so I knew she was up to something. A part of me wishes I had confronted her and made her apologize or at least explain her actions but she is not my kid or my responsibility. I removed my son and his buddies from the situation, so I felt that was enough. But if I see her next year and she tries it again! GAME ON! LOL

Thankfully she checked out a day or so later and we got a influx of new kids. Which was both good and bad. More on that tomorrow.

Feel free to leave a comment or email me at teenahope@gmail.com

Bullying 101

I read a few articles on bullying and children and then a few blogs about what to look for, and I realized that we have already been there, done that.

At a young age HistoryBoy had to handle bullying, but he didn't know it. I did. To him the were his friends, his classmates, the kids he played with on the playground. No one knew anything was wrong until I said something. So be aware, and listen to what your children say.

When HistoryBoy was in Kindergarten, he had a hard time adjusting at first to the 1/2 day routine. He had just been diagnosed with ADHD and was struggling. He was switched to the all day Kindergarten curriculum and started to flourish. It was amazing. What he struggled with in a 1/2 day he did awesome with in an all day class. Not exactly sure how that one works, but in his case, it did.

However, he came home within a few weeks, and he was using the work freak. I don't use this word at least not in respect to my son or around my son. When he was having a meltdown would use it to describe himself, saying "I'm a freak" He would cry and I would soothe him as best I could. I came to find out that his "friends" were calling him a freak as recess when he didn't interact with them. The problem was HistoryBoy wasn't reporting the bullying. He thought they were his friends. Yet on some level he must have known that freak wasn't a good thing otherwise why would he have melted down and sobbed it to me.

I brought it back to the school. They didn't know about it. If HistoryBoy doesn't report it, nothing can be done about it. I told them, he didn't understand what was going on. These kids were bullying him and calling him names yet he thought they were his friends, because he didn't know the difference. He knows now because I have told him. If someone calls you names, they are not your friend. If someone picks on you, they are not your friend. If someone hurts you, they are not your friend.

It is was so hard to get him to understand this though. Children, like adults, can show two sides, one to teachers and another to others. Just because someone talks to you, doesn't mean they like you or are you friend. Not everyone in your class in your going to be your friend. How do you explain this to a 5 or 6 year old who sees everyone equally. In his eyes everyone is nice and are his friends.

My solution was not to burst his bubble. I wanted his world to be safe and wonderful, and if that is the way he sees it for now, let him. It will change as he grows up, but if someone messes with him, this mama bear is going to eat them alive. You can be sure of that. I don't care if he realizes he is being made fun of or picked on or not. No one has the right to do that to another child, regardless. Just because my child doesn't realize he is being bullied doesn't mean these other children should not be stopped now.

I am not above being a b*tch mom. I have the school directory. I know who the kid is and I can call his mom and talk to her about it. Let's see what she has to say. Maybe she'll spank him or maybe the apple didn't fall far of the tree but you do what you have to do to protect your child. If that doesn't work, don't be afriad to take it to the school and let them know what is going on and make sure they do something about it.

I hope my little tirade gave some insight...more tomorrow (or the next day)

Feel free to leave a comment or email me at teenahope@gmail.com