Missing Me

Most days I wake up, I know that I have limitations. I know I can't leap over buildings or do anything exciting like even run around the block without injuring myself, but I used to. I used to swim regularly, ride my bike, coach soccer, teach full time, teach CCD and still have energy to play games and run around with my son. But in the last few years, I got lost somewhere, where did I go?

I have been searching for myself, trying to push myself a little bit by inches to see if I am capable of more. What I find is that some day pushing myself is ok a little is ok, there is minimal payback, which means I have a little extra aches but I can deal yet others days payback is a real b*tch. I push only the same amount as I did any other day and I am so worn out I can't function.

I do not know how to explain it. I can't explain it. My body has no "just a little more" button. Enough is enough. That is it. If I overdo it now, I have to live with the consequences, whether it is an hour of feeling poorly or several days.

I want the energy to go out and do the things I used to do. I want to be able to hug my son regular without worrying about him being careful not to hurt me. I want to be able to enjoy life with my husband. I want to go out to see friends I haven't seen in months or years, even though they "understand", because I am too sick or tired to go out.

I apologize if this blog is a little too "poor me," but every one in a while I think I am entitled. Everyone is entitled to one of those every once in a while. I am just tired of feeling tired. That's all. I want my son not to feel disappointed again that his mom isn't like other moms. I hate that look in his eyes. It is there more and more often and I know I will keep seeing it in the next few years. He is so good about it most of the time, but every once in a while, "Mom, don't you want to..." And I am just too tired or sore or both to do what he would like me to, and I feel horrible for it because I know that really all he wants is my attention and time and my body won't even allow me to give him that. Don't worry I'll be ok tomorrow.

Feel free to leave a comment or email me at teenahope@gmail.com